An epiphany hit me while I was at the airport on Friday morning. Why not capture the moments of this trip and write about it. Surely, nothing could go wrong, could it? Well, let’s just say it was... interesting. The story is told in real time, the way I saw it and my thought at that exact moment. I started writing this in Chicago, continued in Denver, and finally concluded in Reno.
6:23 AM - It's only taken about 11 minutes of being inside O'Hare Airport to get angry, which is really an upset. Most times, I would have had to wait about 20 minutes, so they really outdid themselves this time.
Most common airports allow you to check in without the need of being in a line. Besides, what is the purpose of "self check-in?" I still have to wait among 100 people anyway! It appears the main reason is due to the new "carry on bag fee" that United is charging, which should be renamed to "airport rape tax". Not only am I giving you my business, but also then you are going to charge me not only for food (assuming it exists), but give an extra $15 each for my bags? Flying the friendly skies my ass.
I have to say...that is a genius idea! It is amazing that the airlines never thought of this gouging practice sooner. Not only do you get people to overpay for their flights, but you also get to charge $15 for each bag they want to check. I know some people that travel on vacation and bring every damn thing they have and show up with three, four or five bags. What took so long? I wonder if it’s all the airlines doing this or it’s just one or two.
6:23 AM - It's only taken about 11 minutes of being inside O'Hare Airport to get angry, which is really an upset. Most times, I would have had to wait about 20 minutes, so they really outdid themselves this time.
Most common airports allow you to check in without the need of being in a line. Besides, what is the purpose of "self check-in?" I still have to wait among 100 people anyway! It appears the main reason is due to the new "carry on bag fee" that United is charging, which should be renamed to "airport rape tax". Not only am I giving you my business, but also then you are going to charge me not only for food (assuming it exists), but give an extra $15 each for my bags? Flying the friendly skies my ass.
I have to say...that is a genius idea! It is amazing that the airlines never thought of this gouging practice sooner. Not only do you get people to overpay for their flights, but you also get to charge $15 for each bag they want to check. I know some people that travel on vacation and bring every damn thing they have and show up with three, four or five bags. What took so long? I wonder if it’s all the airlines doing this or it’s just one or two.
(Still waiting in line.)
I'm thinking of what other stuff they could charge:
Assistance from flight attendant - $25 (Airlines are now set up where the only purpose for the airline attendant at the counter is just to put the sticker on the bag to make sure it gets to your destination and shit doesn't get crazy. That's it! You could have robots do that if they were designed and trained properly.)
Small Pillow - $1 (Within five minutes you'll be asking for the big pillow anyway)
Big Pillow - $3 (with a $2 additional charge if drool is found on it)
Small Blanket - $2.50 (This only covers you from your feet to your thigh, leaving you freezing from the waist up)
Big Blanket - $10 - (This one does it all. Think of your super winter blanket you break out at the house when the temperature dips below 30. The blanket is so big that you cover not only yourself, but also the person sitting in either the B or E seat on the plane. They will be grateful and may even slip you a few bucks.)
Headphones - $6 (I'm paying that for 3 hours of entertainment? And I'm going to use these for future use? I dont want people to know I got these from United! Besides, in three months or fewer, they wont work anyway.)
Bathroom - Free for the first minute. $3 for every additional. (You don’t think that will cut down on the amount of getting up some passengers do on planes, especially if you happen to have an aisle or middle seat? I would endorse this entirely. If you need to take a shit, either do it at home, before you get on, or once you get off the plane. It saves us all since we don’t have to enter a warzone with no air freshner.)
Breakfast - $10 (This would consist of vitamin enriched Super Donut, granola bar, fresh fruit, and your choice of either milk or juice. A breakfast of champions. What did you expect the Rooty-Tooty from IHOP?)
Lunch and Dinner: $15 (A turkey sandwich that looks like a slider, to go along with a mini bag of chips, cookie or fun size candy, and the smallest drink you can find. Straight from the summer day camp menu. No Prime Rib and lobster tail on this flight. Just be grateful for what you are getting now.)
(Waiting in line to be screened by TSA)
6:50 AM - I just got through check-in and after I checked my bag, the very nice woman at the service counter did not charge me for the bag. Unreal. I wonder if I should go out and try my luck at the casino tonight. My anger level has just gone down by 95 percent. There is no way I can be angry about anything now.)
I always like it when I watch the news and they always outwardly tell passengers that they should arrive as many as three hours early so they can get through all the checkpoints. Maybe I'm just having an unbelievable string of good luck the last few years, but I show up an hour to an hour and a half before my flights and get through my check-in and metal detectors within no more than 30 minutes.
I remember last Thanksgiving when I went from O'Hare for a 9:30 AM flight and got to the airport at 6:00. It took no more than 20 minutes to get through steps one and 2. Here I am, at 6:20 in the morning, now needing to kill three hours before flight time. The bar isn’t open to get a drink, and their is only so much newspaper one can read before the words start getting blurry. From that day forward, I'll take my chances leaving 2 hours ahead of time for my own personal health.
7:30 AM - Boarding time for the flight. I have flown to Denver several times now and for whatever reason, the flights are huge. Lines are long and the map of the aircraft showed that there were seven people to a row. Multiply that by 32 rows and that's 224 people. The aircraft is incredibly big. I have to assume that half of them are connecting flights to other locations on the west coast. There is no way in hell ALL these people are visiting Denver, can they? I have nothing against the city because it is a very nice place. But with no snow on the ground for a possible ski trip considering its June, that city does not ring as a tourist attraction.
7:55 AM - Time for takeoff. I have been going on 3 hours of sleep and I'm waiting on the first moment to say goodnight, not planning to wake up until the flight is over. No attractive women on either side of me to distract my plan for sleep, so I know I'm going to be able to sleep now. I quickly read my New York Post to get the recap of the Yankees comeback win over the Blue Jays and this person from Brooklyn who climbed the New York Times building. The pilot comes over the speaker and says that the flight will last two hours and 35 minutes. Once I heard that, it was my cue to sleep. I did not even need the requisite 5 minutes to get into the sleep. I was out in seconds. An absolute TKO situation. During the flight, I woke up several times as my right hand began to numb severely. Perhaps the flight attendants came by offering peanuts and juice, but I cannot remember.
9:15 A.M (in Denver) - I have arrived in the Rocky Mountain state and the airport is one of the best designed and free flowing in America. I did not get a chance to eat my McDonalds and Vitamin Water, but with nearly three hours to kill, I can take care of all of this.
Walking on my way to the gate, I notice different people wearing Red Sox caps and other gear. This thing has really blown up. I noticed several different people along with myself wearing Yankees caps, so perhaps we've been able to even it out. Rockies hats are no where to be found.
9:15 A.M (in Denver) - I have arrived in the Rocky Mountain state and the airport is one of the best designed and free flowing in America. I did not get a chance to eat my McDonalds and Vitamin Water, but with nearly three hours to kill, I can take care of all of this.
Walking on my way to the gate, I notice different people wearing Red Sox caps and other gear. This thing has really blown up. I noticed several different people along with myself wearing Yankees caps, so perhaps we've been able to even it out. Rockies hats are no where to be found.
(One thing I've noticed is that there is stunning clarity on the TV monitors showing the arrivals and departures. A closer look shows that they are broadcasting them in spectacular high definition on their plasma TV's. How great is that? I can now see if my flight is on time along with the gate in HD! Now I see why the airlines are so broke. Incredible waste of money that no one would ever think twice about. Maybe they would not have to charge $15 a bag if they were showing it in regular def instead.)
(Sitting by the gate in Denver.)
12:01 PM - The aircraft was delayed by 20 minutes. Not that big of a deal. Boarding is taking place and I am in seating group number four. That must be low class or something. Maybe when I go to New York at the end of the month, I will upgrade my seat to first class just to see what it feels like.
12:01 PM - The aircraft was delayed by 20 minutes. Not that big of a deal. Boarding is taking place and I am in seating group number four. That must be low class or something. Maybe when I go to New York at the end of the month, I will upgrade my seat to first class just to see what it feels like.
(On the plane.)
12:45 PM (Reno's Pacific Time) - The flight attendant comes by for what appears to be snack time. I had been in and out of consciousness listening to my IPod and was in need for something cold. A can of Diet Coke and some pretzels I figure would do the trick. Instead, to my amazement, the only thing we receive is a cup of ice with the Diet Coke and nothing else. Seven ounces of soda! Are you kidding me? Sons of bitches! The airlines (at least United) don’t even give you a full can anymore? If I were in a reasonably conscious state, my anger level would have been increased by 200 percent. This time, I was still catching up on sleep and did not care as much. The person I should have been upset with would be me for not bringing any candy to give the sugar high I could have had at that moment. As I look at future travel plans, I am making sure that United is not included in any of them.
1:10 PM - The plane begins to have some unusual turbulence that wakes me out of my sleep. I suffer from motion sickness on occasion and when I realized that I had lacked food and only had minimal sugar to account for my intake until that point, this had potential not to end well. It seemed like many people were of the mind that we were landing as well. The problem was that we were still tens of thousands of feet in the air. Sure seems like a problem, doesn't it? Suddenly, the plane starts speeding while the turbulence continues. It was as if the pilot had an appointment he realized couldn’t be missed. Now he was going to decide to step on the gas. Had he done that earlier, this flight wouldn't last a ridiculous 2 hours. The losers in all this? Us (Well, me really.). No doubt in my mind that a few people were heaving into those bags that the airlines leave for us in the event of that "gots to go" moment. Needless to say, I survived without any loss of well...anything.
1:10 PM - The plane begins to have some unusual turbulence that wakes me out of my sleep. I suffer from motion sickness on occasion and when I realized that I had lacked food and only had minimal sugar to account for my intake until that point, this had potential not to end well. It seemed like many people were of the mind that we were landing as well. The problem was that we were still tens of thousands of feet in the air. Sure seems like a problem, doesn't it? Suddenly, the plane starts speeding while the turbulence continues. It was as if the pilot had an appointment he realized couldn’t be missed. Now he was going to decide to step on the gas. Had he done that earlier, this flight wouldn't last a ridiculous 2 hours. The losers in all this? Us (Well, me really.). No doubt in my mind that a few people were heaving into those bags that the airlines leave for us in the event of that "gots to go" moment. Needless to say, I survived without any loss of well...anything.
(Waiting in baggage claim as my luggage is taking too long.)
1:40 PM - I have finally arrived in Reno. This is my third visit to this city and nothing has changed. The slot machines greet you as you come out of the tunnel. Is their a better way to invite you to Nevada than the sight of instant gambling no more than 25 feet from you as you enter? As a city, it resembles too much of an older, slower style community than your normal big city. Reno is the junior varsity in relation to its big brother, Las Vegas.
As I'm getting my bag, I notice a guy wearing a shirt that I have been planning to order for a while. It's a shirt that says "18-1 PERFECT NO MORE - Super Bowl Champions New York Giants". Even on the left coast, Giants representation is in full force. What a remarkable sight. I would have went up to the guy and told him "Great shirt!", but my luggage showed up and I was trying to get out of there.
For someone who's lived two big city lifestyles, coming to Reno is a culture shock. As much as my mother would like for me to move here, I always ask myself one simple question:
Am I insane?
My head explodes after spending three days here because outside of going to the casino, there is NOTHING in terms of entertainment. And now you would expect me to live here on a permanent basis? Why don’t I just stab myself with a pencil? For many, I'm sure living in such an agita free environment would add years to their life. In my case, it would take years off. Lake Tahoe can only do so much. I would probably find myself road tripping to San Francisco at least twice a month just to regain sanity and a sense of life. What, do you think I can just stare at the mountains and pass that off? No.
I only get to stay for 24 hours before leaving. Rest assured, my going back tale will not be as interesting as my journey getting here.
Time to hit the casino. I'm doubling down on 11 and not hitting on 17.
Let the (one-day) fun begin.
1:40 PM - I have finally arrived in Reno. This is my third visit to this city and nothing has changed. The slot machines greet you as you come out of the tunnel. Is their a better way to invite you to Nevada than the sight of instant gambling no more than 25 feet from you as you enter? As a city, it resembles too much of an older, slower style community than your normal big city. Reno is the junior varsity in relation to its big brother, Las Vegas.
As I'm getting my bag, I notice a guy wearing a shirt that I have been planning to order for a while. It's a shirt that says "18-1 PERFECT NO MORE - Super Bowl Champions New York Giants". Even on the left coast, Giants representation is in full force. What a remarkable sight. I would have went up to the guy and told him "Great shirt!", but my luggage showed up and I was trying to get out of there.
For someone who's lived two big city lifestyles, coming to Reno is a culture shock. As much as my mother would like for me to move here, I always ask myself one simple question:
Am I insane?
My head explodes after spending three days here because outside of going to the casino, there is NOTHING in terms of entertainment. And now you would expect me to live here on a permanent basis? Why don’t I just stab myself with a pencil? For many, I'm sure living in such an agita free environment would add years to their life. In my case, it would take years off. Lake Tahoe can only do so much. I would probably find myself road tripping to San Francisco at least twice a month just to regain sanity and a sense of life. What, do you think I can just stare at the mountains and pass that off? No.
I only get to stay for 24 hours before leaving. Rest assured, my going back tale will not be as interesting as my journey getting here.
Time to hit the casino. I'm doubling down on 11 and not hitting on 17.
Let the (one-day) fun begin.
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